Dear Abby: Bad manners have spread throughout large family. 

Detected Manipulations & Suggested Changes

Appeal to emotion

Using emotional framing (feeling unappreciated, offended, or shocked) to drive the reader’s reaction rather than presenting balanced perspectives.

1) "I am bothered by the sense of entitlement that seems to run rampant in this group." 2) "We don’t want to give because ‘we have to.’ We want to give because we WANT to. And while we may want to give, we don’t want to feel underappreciated either." 3) "I’m itching to give her a piece of my mind." 4) Abby’s response: "Make it clear that if they cannot summon up the energy to practice basic good manners, you will find another way to spend your money." and "Then close by saying you are disappointed that someone who is in a helping profession would stoop that low. (Mic drop.)" These passages emphasize feelings of resentment, indignation, and moral outrage. They encourage the reader to side emotionally with the letter writers and to view the relatives and the ex-girlfriend negatively, without exploring their perspectives or possible mitigating factors.

3 suggestions

Rephrase emotionally charged statements to focus on specific behaviors and impacts rather than broad emotional judgments. For example: change "sense of entitlement that seems to run rampant" to "several family members often do not acknowledge gifts, which feels discouraging."

In Abby’s advice, replace language that dramatizes or escalates conflict (e.g., "stoop that low," "Mic drop") with language that emphasizes clear communication and boundaries, such as: "express that you were uncomfortable with the message and expect professional and personal boundaries to be respected."

Acknowledge that the other parties may have different perspectives or unspoken reasons (e.g., not understanding expectations about thank-you notes, or misjudging the tone of a message) to reduce purely emotional framing.

Hasty generalization

Drawing a broad conclusion about a group based on limited or anecdotal evidence.

"I am bothered by the sense of entitlement that seems to run rampant in this group. We never receive a ‘thank you’ for anything we do for some of them... Most of them are old enough to have better manners than that, but it doesn’t seem to matter." The letter writer moves from specific experiences with some relatives to a sweeping characterization of the entire large family as having a "sense of entitlement" and poor manners. The phrase "run rampant" suggests a pervasive problem without evidence beyond the writer’s personal experience.

3 suggestions

Qualify the scope of the claim: instead of "sense of entitlement that seems to run rampant in this group," use "some family members often don’t acknowledge gifts, which feels to me like a sense of entitlement."

Distinguish clearly between specific individuals and the whole group: e.g., "A few of our children and grandchildren rarely say thank you" rather than implying that the entire extended family behaves this way.

Encourage Abby’s response to note that this is one perspective and that misunderstandings or differing norms about thank-you etiquette could be involved.

Unsubstantiated claims / Character judgment

Presenting negative character assessments without evidence beyond a single incident.

1) "We were called out on it by the two worst offenders." This labels certain relatives as "worst offenders" without explaining their side or providing detail beyond the writer’s frustration. 2) "She of all people should know better." and "Her message went from being a former flame’s cliche message to repulsive on so many levels." These are strong moral and professional judgments about the ex-girlfriend based on one inappropriate message. 3) Abby: "you are disappointed that someone who is in a helping profession would stoop that low." This reinforces a negative character assessment without exploring context or possible misunderstanding.

3 suggestions

Replace labels like "worst offenders" with descriptions of specific behaviors: e.g., "two relatives who complained when we stopped sending gifts" instead of implying a broad moral failing.

In the second letter, separate the behavior from the person’s entire character or profession: e.g., "I was surprised that a marriage counselor would send such a message" rather than "repulsive on so many levels" or "stoop that low."

In Abby’s response, focus on addressing the inappropriate behavior and setting boundaries (e.g., "You can tell her that the message was inappropriate and made you uncomfortable") rather than endorsing sweeping character judgments.

Oversimplification

Reducing complex interpersonal situations to simple blame or one-sided fault.

1) Family situation: The narrative assumes the problem is entirely the relatives’ "sense of entitlement" and lack of manners, without considering other factors (e.g., unclear expectations about thank-you notes, generational differences, or past family dynamics). 2) Ex-girlfriend situation: The ex-girlfriend is portrayed solely as an inappropriate, hypocritical marriage counselor, with no consideration of context (e.g., whether she misread the relationship, whether this was a one-time lapse, etc.). Abby’s advice focuses on a sharp rebuke ("stoop that low. (Mic drop.)") rather than exploring options like ignoring, blocking, or a neutral boundary-setting message.

3 suggestions

Add nuance to the family scenario by acknowledging that etiquette norms can vary and that some relatives may not realize how important acknowledgments are to the letter writer. Abby could suggest asking them directly whether they received the gifts and explaining why thanks matter, before assuming entitlement.

In the second scenario, present multiple possible responses: ignoring the message, blocking the sender, or sending a brief, neutral boundary-setting reply, instead of only a confrontational "mic drop" approach.

Explicitly note that a single inappropriate act does not fully define a person’s character or professional competence, and that the goal is to protect the marriage and set boundaries, not to punish or humiliate.

Biased language

Using loaded or judgmental wording that nudges the reader toward a particular moral judgment.

1) "sense of entitlement that seems to run rampant" – "run rampant" is a loaded phrase implying widespread, out-of-control bad behavior. 2) "two worst offenders" – frames relatives as offenders rather than simply inconsiderate or unaware. 3) "repulsive on so many levels" – strongly loaded moral condemnation. 4) Abby’s "stoop that low" and "(Mic drop.)" – dramatizes and morally condemns the ex-girlfriend, encouraging a punitive stance rather than a neutral boundary-setting one.

3 suggestions

Replace loaded phrases with neutral descriptions: e.g., "seems common" instead of "run rampant"; "two relatives who complained" instead of "two worst offenders."

In the second letter, change "repulsive on so many levels" to something more specific and less loaded, such as "highly inappropriate, especially given her profession."

Modify Abby’s closing from "stoop that low. (Mic drop.)" to a neutral, advice-focused line like: "express that you expect professional and personal boundaries to be respected, and then disengage."

Appeal to authority

Relying on a person’s professional status to heighten moral judgment rather than analyzing the behavior itself.

"Abby, she is a marriage counselor! Her message went from being a former flame’s cliche message to repulsive on so many levels. She of all people should know better." and Abby’s reinforcement: "you are disappointed that someone who is in a helping profession would stoop that low." The criticism is intensified because the woman is a marriage counselor, implying that her profession makes the behavior uniquely bad, rather than focusing on why the behavior is inappropriate in any context.

3 suggestions

Acknowledge that the behavior is inappropriate regardless of profession, and treat the professional role as context rather than the main basis for condemnation. For example: "I was surprised that anyone, especially a marriage counselor, would send such a message to a married person."

In Abby’s response, focus on the boundary violation itself: "You can tell her that the message was inappropriate and disrespectful to your marriage" instead of emphasizing her profession as the main reason to condemn her.

Clarify that professional roles do not guarantee perfect personal behavior, and that the key issue is how to protect the marriage and maintain boundaries, not to judge the entire profession or person.